the first 99 pages from a producer’s journal: #1
“I haven’t experienced the reality in years. I am always on set. My job is to live in other people dreams and build alternative realities where the rest of the world can run to.” Director 1st aid told me during the lunch break.
It is a warm and peaceful spring late afternoon. April, if I were to place it on a timeline. The last day of production from 33 very long days and nights. My first days and nights in a film production. We are all transformed by it. All men wear beards and women lost the color of their hair. We all turned into androgynous creatures.
The adrenaline is so high that hormones fly free in the air clashing by each other, as if an invisible Cupid turned off people’s minds and left them at the hand of their basic instincts. Sparks of unexpected passions light up dark corners. People who never noticed each other by now, suddenly see each other in a different light. The loved wives, husbands and children are far away in distant places. They miss each other, of course. Still, they are in a different reality while we are here and now. We’ll probably never meet each other again. The temptation of crossing a few lines feels natural, even necessary and vital at times.
In such moments and places nothing seems totally wrong.
For some reason people come to me at times and start speaking out their most intimate thoughts.
At first, when less experienced or mature, I used to take it personally. Then, I felt invisible. I felt that something inside of me, something that somehow survived my twisted life operates like a sort of magnet that lures some of the people to come and sit near, to shed their heart, to breathe. From time to time to even fuck me, if I allow it.
For some reason we want to fuck people who make us feel at home. We are natural born consumers. The hunger of our nature most often than not stands in our way. That’s the secret ingredient of mediocrity. Still, it’s also the secret of feeling alive.
Can I feel alive outside this paradox? Or outside my dreams and imagination? When I say “I feel alive”, do I also say “I feel happy”?
One even called me once a healer of a different kind.
Flattering, if your dream is to become a guru of some sort. My dream was never this one. Once my spirit woke up, to quote the gurus, I couldn’t find life so fun anymore. My imagination takes over more often than not, lately. Maybe, this is my nature and I just wasn’t aware of it. Well, I am now. How is this helping me, anyway? It doesn’t feel good, it feels like an agony. I want to be asleep again. How can I reverse this?
Another one told me on a different set “I can wander with you for an eternity. You make me feel as if I am alone with myself. And if there is something I truly love, that’s being alone with myself.”
When I heard that, I felt like a shadow because I haven't said or done anything in particular regarding that person. I haven't offered a special attention or something like that. I understood the compliment, but it didn’t matter.
When you hear that once, you might take it personally and think you are special for that someone, even in love or a target for love. It inflames the pride and this one always shadows the truth. Still, what should you do when you hear it ten times a year from ten different strangers, some even living in a totally opposite corner of your world?
Nothing. I do nothing. I just listen and watch them passing by. Sometimes I also wonder.
The 1st finished his sandwich.
I haven’t said a word. I just stayed there eating my own, smoking and drinking catering coffee like all the hundred and fifty people around.
“How much do you smoke?” he asked before leaving.
“Too much to worth mentioning”, I replied and walked away smiling more on the outside.
The magic hour is near.
Who cannot love this kind of light?
Even in the most emotionally impotent ones something shivers inside at the impact with the magic hour. Maybe it is the only hour in the day when some of us can feel something. Something else.
Mads Mikkelsen, Shia LaBeouf and Evan Rachel Wood are brought on set.
In what other context can one be so close to these people? This is a unique portal to have a glimpse into another world. I don't know what kind of world, if so different or not. Still, it is one many are hungry for.
You'd be tempted to believe that your life may change from such closeness. That something magic or great is about to happen to you. The something you always hoped for. That this is your Wow moment. Especially if you are young(er) as I was at the time.
It doesn't. It isn't. These sorts of happenings and encounters are not about this. They only show you that anything is possible and that the rest is up to you. It's the proof that dreams do come true. It's also the proof that dreams are not a distinct part of the reality, but on the contrary, they are the reality itself.
The reality is made of dreams falling together.